Meeting Our Needs for Togetherness

A MAM meeting place; Jannes Library

Like many community organizations and “third places” where people gather to connect along common interests, needs and intentions, the Midwest Alliance for Mindfulness (MAM) was profoundly impacted by the COVID-19 pandemic. Though third places were on the decline well before the lockdown, and for decades mainstream US culture has been less socially engaged, our ability to connect remotely surged during the isolation years. What Devika Rao calls a “residual social-distancing mentality” has us even more siloed and ambivalent about socializing. Through cultivating curiosity and imagination, MAM is experimenting with ways to meet our own needs for togetherness as well as the needs of our community within this new social context.

Though MAM is still gathering online, people haven’t returned to meeting in person like they did before the lockdown of the 2019 pandemic. Even this year in 2024, a record number of music festivals were canceled due to poor ticket sales. On-location attendance for movies, museums, college student organizations, church services, Broadway plays, ballet, symphonies, orchestras, and school classes remains lower. Sadly, a significant number of contemplative communities have been unable to reopen their brick and mortar locations and some have closed completely.

A recent Reddit thread offers an interesting cross section of reasons why people are leaving their homes to socialize less often. Many wrote that in addition having fewer third places, it’s more expensive than it used to be to go out and they feel they’re receiving poorer quality service and products for their dollars. Some wrote that they felt anxious, fearful and less trusting of others. Some said the pause of the pandemic gave them time to consider their true feelings about how they socialized and spent their free time – and a certain number found they preferred being with close friends, family, or alone watching movies at home. This last part really resonated – it’s perfectly satisfying and comfortable for me to “cocoon” with my beloveds.

Yet we also know there is a epidemic of loneliness in the US and a growing affective polarization fueled by media and political self-dealing. What feels easier and more convenient in the moment may actually be escalating some pervasive challenges. Gathering together regularly in the commons has historically been a way for human beings to keep loneliness at bay. Stepping outside an algorithmic bubble may be a modern day check and balance that helps keep us grounded in the reality of the here and now amidst echo chambers and commodified infotainment.

Civil society has been shifting for some time now. Our mainstream culture is increasingly self-focused and the pandemic moved us into new levels of cloistering. We’re used to thinking a lot about how we can get what we need/want and protect what we have. Yet years of research, including the Harvard Study of Adult Development, demonstrates that close relationships are one of the most important indicators of human health and happiness. In addition, there’s evidence that frequent in-person contact impacts our longevity. One factor all of the world’s so called “Blue Zones” have in common are multiple third places where people can easily connect.

Though technology has allowed us to conveniently reach people and places many of us could only dream of visiting in the past, there is a level of intimacy it cannot yet provide. We can see one another’s faces, learn from each other, and speak deeply about important issues. But, we can’t touch each other, sense each other’s presence in an embodied way, wipe away tears, bandage wounds, bring each other into the world, feed each other, steward one another through dying , or bury our dead over Zoom. We can’t even hear each other breathe thanks to the wonders of noise cancellation.

It’s also very easy for online connections to be one-sided, remain on a surface level, or become quickly fatiguing. Certain quirks and limitations of the technology (such as self-monitoring, headshot view, audio and visual filters, and broadcasting delays) dull, distract from, or eliminate aspects of interpersonal interactions that tend to be rewarding or engaging for most people, such mutual gaze, mirroring and body language. At some point, many of us feel tempted to check out and multitask during our online interactions. Some have called this depersonalized feeling “Zoomed out”. In order to prevent this feeling of fatigue, many of us now limit the number of online social events we commit ourselves to.

Since making the transition to online teaching and learning, I’ve had the experience of presenting to seas of black Zoom screens as well as to no live person at all, simply recordings. Neither of these types of experiences feel very personally fulfilling. I’ve also been a participant in this type of offering and I know how easy it is to become disengaged when I’m not being intentional about it.

In order for relationships to be long-term sustainable they must be at least minimally reciprocal rather than completely one-sided or extractive. In Robert D. Putnam’s research on social capital and the recent related documentary, Join or Die, he notes how our social networks create the bonds of solidarity and bridges of reciprocity that make collective problems easier to solve and help us survive and thrive – especially in difficult times. This kind of bonding and bridging is difficult to do completely virtually.

Gathering with people we don’t know well can feel vulnerable and unpredictable. Will it be awkward? Will I fit in? Collaborating toward a goal is often messy with moments of frustration. I still haven’t readjusted to the chaos of several voices speaking at once. As ambiguous and inconvenient as it may seem, somewhere deep down we know that even when we stay home we cannot escape our interdependence. Yes, even introverts (like me) must acknowledge the value in coming together.

When right here in Kansas City, wildfires from Canada or Colorado make my nose stuffy and my eyes burn, there’s no denying our interconnection. When wastewater from Oklahoma fracking caused tremors that shook the photo frames on my walls, it was a moment of crystal clarity. It’s better that we awaken from the illusion of our separateness (Thich Nhat Hanh) and practice the art of skillful interbeing so that we might save ourselves from an untimely, self-inflicted demise. Science tells us we’re likely to enjoy a greater measure of individual health and happiness for our efforts.

Though the inner work is important, the work we do together is also essential. We can’t do this alone. Soon enough people may begin to long for more embodied togetherness. And when we get together, something more expansive often emerges. There’s a field of possibility between us – something greater than you or I.